"Now it seems...

...I'm just another quarter in your offering."
-Allen Stone

Sheesh. Well, I'm working on a project right now. It's late. It's chilly outside. I made pumpkin cookies. All of these things are conducive to me having thoughts. 
I recently attended a concert (another AMAZING show - seriously!), and found that people like to think that they discovered the artist first. As if it is somehow their artist because they've listened longer, or what have you. I believe this is common knowledge, there always seems to be a 'my horse is bigger than yours' mentality behind the discovery of new music. And I have most certainly fallen into that trap myself. But it's striking me right now. At 1:25 in the morning. On a Sunday night. While it's chilly outside, my windows are open, my knee socks are warming, and autumn delight sits in my belly.
I'm not sure why it is, there must be some sort of branch of evil built into our conscience that tells us that we're the best. We deserve more than someone else, we worked harder than someone else, we are cooler than someone else, etc. This poisonous mentality really gets us nowhere. So what if we are better? Should we not seek humility? The only thing I see as an outcome of being the best, is being recognized as the best. And what is that? Nothing but empty praise from mankind? I think humans will always praise what we can see as superior to ourselves. But why? What do we accomplish in that?
I do it, too. It's my natural reaction. When something is amazing, I respond with awe. 
Actually, I think I know part of the reason. Just track with me, here for a minute. We were created to worship. Worship the King, all glorious above; our shield, defender, ancient of days, Abba, Savior, Creator. We were made in his image, imago dei. So if we achieve our full potential (which is, debatably possible or impossible), are we not becoming more like Christ?
Take musicianship, for example. As Christ-followers, the supposed examples to the world, should we not be the best? For the glory and advancement of our Lord and his Kingdom? There's a lackadaisical mentality that sets in on us Christians. We understand that God used a stinkin' DONKEY in Scriptures, so he can use anything we offer him for his glory. That's the trap into which the enemy wants us to fall. It's kind of a double-edged sword. Yes, we have faith and believe that God can use whatever we give him - which is very true. What we shouldn't believe is that just because he will use it, doesn't mean we shouldn't develop ourselves to our absolute best. If Satan can get us to offer half of ourselves knowing that God will take care of the rest, that is weakness. We are not operating under the commission and obedience to be diligent. It is still good, because of God. But it is not our best.
But now we have to confront the Scripture that says in our weakness, God's strength is made perfect. Yes. I agree. In my most broken days of dragging my feet and hanging my head, my Jesus carries me through (crazy random side note: I literally just tabbed over to facebook and a friend of mine posted her status, "In our weakness, He is made strong." - how appropriate! Haha). But that is in our weakness. I don't believe that weakness and lack of strength are the same thing...maybe I should use other words. I don't think that weakness and a weak performance are one in the same.
My weakness may be that (hypothetically) I was born without a left big toe. That is not on me. That is just the way things are. But in all the challenges and hardships and loss of balance that I encounter, God teaches me so much about His character of faithfulness and strength. In my weakness, God is made strong. I grow to learn more about him and his greatness, he is glorified through my weakness.
Now, let's contrast weakness to a weak performance. Maybe I am a musician, I have a performance tonight, and I still haven't looked at the music (entirely due to lack of motivation). I know that with the God-given talents I have, I should be able to get by just enough so that nobody will really notice. And so I default into "trust God" mode and pray that He will be my strength in my time of 'weakness'. But should I not be the best I can be to honor him? The talents he has placed in me are the exact opposite of weakness. They are my strengths, bestowed upon me through Him in order to bring him praise and honor. So calling my lack of diligence a weakness is just a cop-out. I should be burning to perfect my skills and glorify the Lord with those.
Am I making sense? I think I'm losing myself...I'm just kind of rambling. I dare say I should finish my project now (don't want to be lackadaisical! Haaaa). It's late. I work at 8am tomorrow morning. Eep!
I hope when I come back and read this sometime, it'll all make sense. Hahaha. Good night!


peace.

-1:52am

"It's a dream that wakes you up...

...there's nothing like sleeping alone so much."

-Good Old War

Wowee! Well, this is a new set up/format for blogging. I don't quite know how I feel about it. Haha. I suppose it shall just take some adjusting...

Anyhow, I came to share.

I just got back from a 2-week choir tour on Monday night and I've just been boppin' around at my sister's apartment, welcoming friends to take me wherever they go and looking for jobs/internships. Suuuuper exciting. Ha.

I got an internship in Santa Monica with a really cool company, but I need a car for the internship, which I do not have, so that didn't pan out. Awesome.

I've called a few venues and emailed out a few resumes in hopes of figuring out what my life will look like this summer...eep!

Mostly, I wanted to share something I learned over choir tour. To give a background, in the beginning of the tour I was not enjoying myself. I have the tendency to be the one that people forget about...it just happens that way. I had two main friend groups, but they were all closer with each other than I was with any of them, so I was kind of teetering between them, trying to find my place. On the bus, in small groups, at the dinner table, on free days, I just didn't know where to go. 

One of the busses did not have the anti-septic smell stuff or whatever it is put in the bathroom, so by day two it smelled of an arid mixed urine stench. That being said, everyone tried to cram on the other two busses. Of course, no one saved me a seat. So I had to trudge along over to the "smelly bus" by my lonesome (not really, there were about fifteen other unhappy campers on that bus as well). On top of that, it was the day of an EIGHT hour bus ride. OF COURSE. So here I was, sitting on the bus by myself, just incredibly uncomfortable. I was frustrated and irritated. The thing is, my top strength (according to the Gallop strengthsfinder test) is "Includer" so when things like this happen, it is just foreign to me because in my mind, I would try my absolute best to never forget about anyone. 

Anyhow, I was sitting there, pouting. But I got in some decent sleep time, watched "A Beautiful Mind" for the first time and LOVED IT and got to play some Catchphrase in the back. Overall, it was a positive experience.

After I got over myself and decided to quit thinking selfishly (Why isn't this happening for me? Why is this happening TO me? etc.) I enjoyed myself times four million. It is so much better to not be concerned with your standing and just enjoy where you are in the moment. I knew all of this, but I was really good at ignoring it. Ha.

Now fast-forward to the end of tour when we're driving to our final destination. I was sitting on the bus by myself (voluntarily this time) and I was looking around at all the people with whom I had spent the last two weeks. I was thinking about how I had learned so much about what it means to be a part of something. Then I had this thought: 

Man. You really can't be a part of something until you serve it. I was being so selfish thinking about my experiences and how I could get the most out of any given situation. But honestly, all I needed to do was serve. Until you know how a mechanism works, you can't serve a purpose. The group I was in, required a certain understanding before I could just join on in. I could contribute my voice to the choir and cheers to the orchestra, but I was not truly a part of something bigger than myself until I had taken part in serving others and the needs of the group as a whole. Kind of like a recipe. You can put whatever you want into a bowl and hope for the best, but until you read a recipe and understand the role of each component to the success of the food, you'll probably come up with nothing that satisfies (to the culinarily inclined: you are exempt from this illustration). Or a clock; you can throw cogs and gizmos into a clock and pray that it accurately tells you the time at any given moment, but until you actually understand how each cog interacts and coexists with the others, and then proceed to use that understanding to put it together for a greater purpose, then it's useless.

I don't really know if I'm making any sense, here. I understand myself (go figure). But I just really wanted to attempt to put my thoughts into an outlet that might be deemed useful by someone someday; maybe even myself. 

Anyhow, that's that.

Here's a picture of some of the wonderful cogs I got to mesh with while on tour:

Enjoy life and don't stop looking for the best in every situation. Remind yourself: I'm not better than anyone to think that I deserve more than the least of these.

peace.

-3:19pm

"If only I had an enemy bigger than my apathy...

...I could have won."

-Mumford & Sons

Have I already used this one? If so, woops. I guess it's just that good.

Anyhow, this is how I feel about one of my 10-pagers right about now. I am trying so hard to focus in on it. I've started it, which is good! But I feel right now that it will quite literally be the death of me. BLARGH. Maybe I should go to bed now, try to wake up early and work on it? But we all know that our intellect and philosophical mindset heightens as the night falls. Will I be able to form cohesive and functional sentences come morning? Will I be ALIVE come morning? Will the MORNING come!?

SO MANY QUESTIONS.

I think it's time for bed...but then...if I surrender to the bed...I must also surrender to the hope of tomorrow...the tomorrow that is not promised.

If I remain awake, I do not negate the fact that tomorrow is not promised. But I do bypass the downfall that if tomorrow does NOT come, then I will have been anticipating this fact, therefore conquering the seemingly unconquerable certain end.

Which would be a good thing to add to my resumé...which would be rendered unusable and non-existent if the morning were not to come. But there would be no notable difference because I would not be able to be aware of this! So then what is really the point of staying awake if I do not pose any substantial gain?

But then am I solely extrinsically motivated? Motivated by what I can gain? It is important to have a certain extent of intrinsic motivation. My roommate talks about this a lot. My roommate motivates herself to remain intrinsically motivated.

I, on the other hand, am generally content with being extrinsically motivated. Especially when it comes to academia. Is this okay? Why am I okay with this?

THESE ARE MY THOUGHTS COME 2AM.

Alright. I think I've decided to take another stab into my paper.

Also, I've noticed that I have completed another digestive cycle and now my stomach groans to be fed. I shall resist. Because of the extrinsic motivation that consuming calories at this hour will have a negative effect on my metabolism/appearance/health/lifestyle.

peace.

-1:59am

"I know it's hard to say, throw it all away...

...but the odds are, we'll be better off."

-Mutemath

Hi there. Guess what! I'm on spring break! WOOOO! That means no classes but copious amounts of work to do anyhow. Ha.

I've been extremely stressed out and busy and yes lately.

Last weekend, five of my friends and I trekked back to my home. We left on Friday, drove quite a few hours, stayed the night at my house. Then the next day we went into the city where the show would be later that night. I encountered an interesting man. Here is my story.

We are in a Goodwill store in an interesting area. This man (in his mid-late twenties, I'd say) walks in. Our group is sort of beginning to gather towards the front of the store whilst still perusing around...I keep thinking this man is looking at me. And then I think he keeps walking right by our group. I'm watching what he's doing....he appears to be giving himself a pep-talk. Not really sure what's going on...so I turn to my friend and say, "Max, I feel like this guys keeps looking at me...it's kinda creepin' me out, I think I'm ready to go." Of course, said friend is not fully paying attention so he kind of just brushes it off.

I walk over to another male friend of mine to see what he's up to...he says, "Hey, have you seen this guy?"

I respond, "Yeah, I feel like he keeps looking at me. It's kind freakin' me out, I'm ready to go."

Friend: "It looks like he's having some trouble swallowing. I wonder if he's okay..."

Me: "I don't know. But I'm kinda freaked out...." (by this time Max is also standing with us)

THEN, the man walks STRAIGHT up to me. Looks me square in the eyes and says, "Have you ever felt gravitationally drawn to another human being?"

I WAS IN SHOCK. THE MAN. HE CAME UP TO ME. AND HE SPOKE. SUCH INTENSE WORDS. WHAT IS HAPPENING.

However, all of these were internal thoughts and I remained calm, cool and collected.

My response: "Uhh...no..."

Man: "Really!?"

Me: "Yeah, sorry..."

Man: "You've never felt that way before?"

Me: "No..." (Max just walks away leaving me with other friend and stranger man)

Man: "You've gotta be LYIN' to me!"

Me: "No, sorry...."

Man: "Hm. Well, I'm Jeff." [reaches out hand for a handshake]

Me: [by this point, if my friend had a bosom, I would have been in it I was so close to him. Ha!] "I'm Summer."

Man: "Summer, it's nice to meet you."

Me: "Nice to meet you, too."

Man: "So you've really never felt that way before?!"

Me: "Yeah...sorry." IS HE REALLY STILL ON ABOUT THIS!? Ha.

Me: "Well, it was nice to meet you, have a nice day."

Man: [as I'm walking away] "Ya know, Summer, I'm havin' a gr--I'm havin' a GREAT day. And I will have a GREAT day!"

I find my friend Max and say, "Okay, can we please go?"

Max: "Yeah, let's go."

So we waltz out of there as fast as possible even though everyone else is still inside. I think my other friend was just chatting with Jeff for a time, there.

Max: "Dude, you CALLED it!!" And there I was, extremely flustered and semi-shaken up. Just really in shock that something like that actually happened in real life (my life is a MOVIE, I tell you!!). I asked him why he just left us standing there earlier and he said he was hoping I would just follow him. Ha!

Then everyone else came out and asked about what had happened. We proceeded to walk along and go into random stores...we saw Jeff at least three or four times. He waved and nodded.

I WAS SO UNCOMFORTABLE. At one point, we had walked past a store and he came out and was walking right behind us. I sped up and linked arms with Max and said, "The guy...he's right behind us, can we go into a store please?"

Max: "Yeah, let's go."

Moral of the story: STRENGTH IN NUMBERS. And it's good if you're of the female gender to have male friends who care about your well-being. I don't know what I would have done without them. :)

Anyhow, we went to the show later that night, then didn't get back to my house until around 2am. Then we left that morning, got back an hour before I had to leave to go to ANOTHER concert with my sister! It was AMAZING. SO GOOD. So good that I just don't really even know what exactly I want to do with my life. Ha.

But anyway, this has been a successful time of avoiding one of two ten-page papers I must write this break. YIPPEE. -_-

peace.

-12:29pm

"My gift is my song...

...and this one's for you."

-Elton John

And you can tell everybody that this is your song. Well, since this blog doesn't serve any real purpose other than me describing in detail random events that happen, and does not contribute to the edification of your well-being, I suppose I shall explore the option of maybe one day attempting to conjure up some thought-provoking, closureless (no, that's not a real word) philosophical ideas. But that is for another day, anyway.

Yesterday, I had a midterm, and today I had a midterm. My midterm in my psychology class yesterday went pretty well, I think. I studied just before class and I felt like I knew a decent amount of the answers. :)

Then I had a midterm in my Baroque, Early Romantic and Classical Music Literature class today. Went to the study session last night. And studied for at least a couple hours today. I reaped the benefits of disengaging from course subject matter and engaging in copious amounts of medium level online sudoku puzzles. Yes.

I mean, I pay some attention to what is being discussed in class, I take notes, I listen every so often. But I just can't learn well from the teaching style, here. There's no order to what is put on the board, and many tangents are discussed that are related to the subject, but not actually important to know when it comes down to it.

I studied for hours with classmates and felt like I knew a whole lot more than I had before (which was no daunting task). I went into the midterm and looked at the page. IT WAS ONE PAGE. ONLY ONE PAGE!

The first portion - listening. Based on what we had learned about countless composers from the Baroque era, we had to decide who might have composed the piece our professor would play through the speakers and offer two reasons why our decision to name that composer is feasible.

I think I probably picked up a few points, there. Ha.

Then it was short answer, definitions and long answer. I just don't know. I studied, I did! But I think I focused on some of the wrong stuff. That's okay, though. It's over now. And I can rest at ease as far as midterms for this week.

But now I have two major papers coming up for my two LEAST favorite classes. Seriously!? UGH.

And I'm enjoying a relaxing night...trying to figure out if I can jump ahead on some homework so I don't have to stress out over the weekend. Alright, enjoy life! :)

peace.

-11:03pm

"Never knew I could feel like this...

...like I've never seen the sky before."

-Ewan McGregor (Moulin Rouge)

I think I might have just fallen...flat on my face in love. I mean, infatuation. I love this man.

I have just stumbled upon him on youtube. And I canNOT help squealing, squeezing my pillow and just wanting to be in this man's presence. I LOVE HIM. FROM A FAR DISTANCE. I am just beyond baffled. UGH. BE MY FRIEND, MICHAEL SHULTE. PLEASE.

Click here and watch any of his covers. His voice. SMOOTH like butter. If I could literally melt into a pool of my own tears and emotion, I would. And then I would proceed to cry more.

Here is another chance to NOT miss something I really appreciate.

All this while I'm watching "The Voice" and swooning over dear Adam. Alright, that's all.

peace.

-8:54pm

"Quit callin' me...

...I'm no longer hung up on you."

-Allen Stone

I created this post to simply say this: I am not fond of the times when people act like they are smarter than me (even if they are, there is a certain way to go about it).

peace.

-9:47am