"Ancestors, hear my plea...

...help me not to make a fool of me."

-Mulan

HAHA. Well, I don't really believe in the whole idea of ancestors helping you out, but I sure do believe that God can! And I am so thankful for that. :)

Anyway, I'm watching Mulan right now...for a very special reason....

I'M GOING TO DISNEYLAND TOMORROW! AHH!

I really cannot contain my excitement. The last time I was there, the new Star Tours hadn't opened up yet, and the old one was closed, so I have been deprived for quite some time. :p

But anyhow, my family is on its way to my little humble abode. WOOT. I whipped up some pancake batter earlier so we can have some Mickey Mouse pancakes tomorrow morning before we head out!

Apparently, we're trying to leave at 7:15am. WHUT. Because Disneyland opens at 8:00am! We're always the type to get as much bang for our buck as possible, so I will also presume we will be staying until it closes (but who would want to leave any sooner than that, anyway?!).

AND WE GET TO SEE WORLD OF COLOR. Ohhhh my dear goodness, I am getting so pumped right now!

So I decided to stop watching "The O.C." because it just sends the wrong kind of message. Sure, it has some really great characters (SETH COHEN) and funny/humorous situations, but I think it exemplifies too much of a sex-driven lifestyle. And I really don't think it's healthy to be feeding one's mind with all that. Because that is certainly not what my life is about (not even remotely close). SO, I will no longer watch this show with the intention of watching the show and becoming emotionally invested in it. This was a decision made upon completion of the first season. Haha!

And then I watched the movie "The Holiday". I really like that movie. :)

But as I've been watching all these shows and movies, I realized that if that is indeed "real life", then I live nothing NEAR a normal life. I used to see romantic movies and shows and all that stuff and wonder why those things didn't happen to me or anyone I know. And then I realized that it's because I'm not entirely driven by my emotional investments. I am so thankful.

Now, I'm not saying I am any better than anyone else on this planet, because I DEFINITELY have my overwhelmingly share of shortcomings. But in spite of that, I have come to the realization that life is not about what "they" all tell us it is about. And I'm sure almost everyone has heard this idea, or something close to it, but, for Pete's sake, this is my blog and I'll write whatever I darn want to write!

All this to say, I think I'm excited for this Christmas break. And this Christmas. Although, I still have yet to purchase a gift for either of my parents...haha. Ahhhh, oh well.

So here I am, laying on a couch, watching Mulan, and waiting for family to arrive. I am so content with where I am in life, yet so frustrated with the staleness of it at the same time. AGH.

God is good and I have hope in Him.

peace.

-10:28pm

"California, here we come...

...right back where we started from."

-Phantom Planet

While I've been in my apartment alone, I have had a few revelations.

1. Drinking milk from the carton: a true sign of adulthood.

2. It's one thing to do everything alone while people are still around, and a whole NEW ballgame when you are entirely on your own.

I have watched probably close to five episodes of season one of "The O.C."! HAHA. Woot! And I love Seth Cohen. He is seriously SO funny. Everything he does...

My roommates had said that I am the female version of Seth Cohen, and I had caught glimpses of his splendor, but I really appreciate him. He makes me laugh so much...and I think it might be because I would probably do the same thing in most of his situations.

Ryan just said something profound, "I can't change where I've been; but I can change where I'm going."

There you have it, ladies and gents.

Welp, I'm quite tired after spending the evening with my sister, her roommate, and a friend of mine eating food and watching "The Help". SO GOOD.

Another inspirational quote for you, "You is kind, you is smart; you is important." AMEN to THAT, sistah! That will be a nice reminder for myself every once in a while. Of course, everyone needs to hear uplifting words.

Words of affirmation; so appreciated! Haha. I honestly don't even know what I'm saying right now. My mind is in so many places. I'm rambling. I'm thinking. I'm falling asleep. I'm watching The O.C. and falling in love with Seth Cohen. I'm laughing. I'm.......stopping. HA.

Alrighty, until next time.

peace.

-1:02am

My Heart Cries Out

"Create in me a clean heart, a clean heart
For I have turned my face from You
Teach us of Your ways oh God, oh God
For we have turned away from You
Lord have mercy

We will run to you, we will run to you
Turning from our sin we return to You
Father heal your world, make all things new
Make all things new

Your love and mercy build and shape us
Break us and recreate us now
Lord have mercy

Oh, bring us back to you"

-Gungor

peace.

-5:27pm

"All seem to say...

...throw cares away."

-Mykola Dmytrovich Leontovych/Peter J. Wilhousky

Guess what! I'm finally going to pick up my blog again. Or so I plan...haha.

I have stumbled upon many thoughts lately. Thoughts that I have always had, but always felt unqualified to really expand upon. But now I feel as though I am qualified to say and think anything that I want, because I feel well-informed. It is a fear-like feeling of mine to begin to talk about something without fully understanding the purpose or general idea of the thing; for risk of appearing foolish or unknowledgeable. Haha!

Anyhow, I had this (unoriginal) thought.

"To be alone is a dangerous thing."

Why, you may ask? And even if you don't ask, I will respond as if you had...

Well, if you think about it. Being alone gives you no concrete version of reality. Everything you see, feel, think, and the like, could really just be your mind being a trickster. And you would never know....*insert Twilight Zone music*

My apologies that I have just been in a seemingly philosophical state of mind more recently. But I'm not 100% apologetic. But here's the thing:

My Introduction to Philosophy class this semester was probably one of my favorite classes that I have taken at the university level, so far. And it's given me the tools and semi-confidence to actually share my thoughts with others in a more casual setting.

For our final, our professor gives us all of the prompts to the possible essay/short answer questions that could possibly be the ones assigned (in this case, there were two sets of five questions), with which to study in advance. On the day of the exam, it is up to "chance" which one will actually be assigned.

This "chance" is left up to the roll of a die. Based on student nomination, each number on the die 1-6 is delegated to represent one of the options. As I have always had this thought, I never actually voiced it because I didn't see it necessary. But this time was different. Because, though I did study for the exam, I felt more comfortable with one of the topics (Moreland's "A Contemporary Defense of Dualism") versus the other topic (Peter van Inwagen's "The Magnitude, Duration and, Distribution of Evil: A Theodicy").

So I turned to my study buddy, who was inconveniently sitting in the seat I had claimed as my own for the entire semester (really?! On the day of the final exam? Ha!), before the delegation of numbers and explained to him...

"You know, there's really no way for a die to be completely chance. By the very nature of being a physical object, confined to the laws of physics, we have to agree that the more mass an object has, the more gravitational pull it contains."

"Sure."

"So then, wouldn't you have to agree that since the dots on the die are carved out of the side, that the side with only one dot carved out would be more likely to land on the bottom, since it has the most gravitational pull? Thus giving the number six a higher chance of being rolled. Four, five and six are more likely to be rolled than one, two, or three. Just by the laws of physics! So we should really assign number six to Moreland!"

"That's why snake eyes are so rare to roll in dice games!" I added impromptu.

He agreed.

Of course, I am the type of person who has an opinion in class, but never has strong enough preferences to step on the toes of those who do or might have strong preferences, so I did not speak up in assigning the numbers...

And number six was assigned to PVI.

However, I just brushed it off, because, how accurate can I actually be?! It was a silly notion suggested by one sleep-deprived student.

And then it happened. With one roll of the die, my fate had been decided (yes, I am making this MUCH more dramatic than need be). After rolling into a student's bag, and probably some other hiccups in the supposedly simple process, the number six was rolled.

YUP. KNEW IT. CALLED IT. DON'T WANT IT.

Hahaha.

Of course it would be my luck that the one time I dare share my opposition to other minds, my theory is working against/for me. So I carried on with my exam, and I'm not sure how clearly I articulated myself. We'll see, I suppose.

ALL THAT TO SAY, I think if my professor REALLY intends on utilizing "chance", then he should just use a cube with six different colors on each side of the die. Because then the mass is equal on each side. Not that it actually made a difference. But I have the right to argue that it did, because it was not in my favor! Haha.

That was my last final of the fall semester of 2011. MIND BLOWING!

It has been such a joy ride. Well, just a ride in general. But it definitely incorporated a lot of joy. :)

There is SO MUCH I could say...but I am SO tired. And I KEEP ON using ALL CAPS. Oh, yawh. I so kewl.

I am off to bed! I may share some more of my thoughts later. But...it is time for me to sleep without any other self-induced reservations.

peace.

-2:07am

"When friends are gone...

...I know my Savior's love is real."

-The Source ft. Candi Staton, in the style of Florence + The Machine

Welp...my summer is quickly and rapidly approaching its end. And to be honest, I am quite surprised. I've been pretty busy these past couple weeks counseling at church camps and being worn out by a bunch on kids. At the youth camp at my church, I had eight middle school girls for four days. Alllll to myself. What an interesting and growing experience! Haha. Now I'm a counselor at kid's camp and I have fourteen seven-year-old boys. WHOA. Hahahaha. It's also an experience! I should really be sleeping right now because I have to wake up sometime around 6:15am. But here I sit not able to sleep. I think I may take a shower.

Anyway, here are some thoughts on my summer. I thought that since a TON of my best friends were going to be gone this summer, that God would really just do something super impressive in my life. I figured He must have something really flipping awesome up His sleeve. So I figured I would apply to forty million jobs until I got one. And I never did. I got ONE interview, though...it looked really promising until they asked me when I would be leaving to go back to school. It even said, "Hire her!" on my application. BUMMER, MAN.

Also, I wasn't scheduled to be on the worship team this summer. Which is something that I am very passionate about...it is the medium by which I most connect with my Lord. However, I did get called in maybe three times as a back-up/replacement team member. Point being, I thought for sure God was going to do something CRAZY in my life for me...I was just thinking about it going into the summer and thinking that it was obvious that God had big plans for me.

With two and a half weeks left, I've finally come to the conclusion that this summer was not about me at all. I was so busy looking for what God was doing for me, that I completely missed the point. It's not about what God is going to do for me, but what I can do for God. I know this seems like an obvious answer, a simple solution, overkill, even. But for some reason, this idea was difficult for me to grasp. Now I see that all the time I spent just laying around, watching television, etc. could have been better spent on showing the love of God to other people who may not have experienced it yet.

I was so caught up in thinking and searching for what God was doing for me that I lost sight of what I was doing for Him. Yes, I went to church several times per week, but each time I just went looking to enrich my life. Recently, there was a sermon on humility. I found it to be applicable to my life in the slightest way, but now I see the bigger picture. I was consumed with the idea that God was going to show me something BIG; something NEW, that I was blinded to the fact that I am a servant of the Most High King. Often I would pray prayers, "God, reveal yourself to me. Work in my life." When I should have been crying out for others, "Jesus, work through me to speak to others! Show them Your unconditional love!" I HAVE His love. I know of His grace. I can speak of His good and perfect ways. So why was I so focused on myself?

It was actually about three weeks ago God showed me this passage in the Bible.

Ephesians 3:14-21

"¹⁴ For this reason I kneel before the Father, ¹⁵ from whom every family^[a] in heaven and on earth derives its name. ¹⁶ I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, ¹⁷ so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, ¹⁸ may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, ¹⁹ and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

²⁰ Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, ²¹ to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."

And I started to pray that out...it just really became a burden that God placed on my heart. And just the other night I prayed that God would show me something that He wanted me to know. Something that He wanted to teach me....I came across this passage:

Colossians 1:9-14

" ⁹ For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you. We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives,^{[a] 10} so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God,¹¹ being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, ¹² and giving joyful thanks to the Father, who has qualified you^[b] to share in the inheritance of his holy people in the kingdom of light. ¹³ For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, ¹⁴ in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins."

And this is my new mission. Not that I can focus on myself and what God is doing for me in order to gain access to Him. But that through what Jesus Christ has done for all of us on the cross, I have all access to the King and what I do to serve Him in response to His perfect love will only grow me closer to my Savior. He is always good and He loves each and every one of us. I am only disappointed that it took me so long to figure this out. Goodnight.

-1:14am

"I'll wear that dress...

...if you wear the tie."

-Charlene Kaye feat. Darren Criss

Well, I've been home for the summer since about May 19th. This is good and bad. Good because I finally got to have time to myself to relax and do nothing. Bad because I am in desperate need of a job and no one seems to want me to work for them. HA. :(

I'm a hard worker, I promise! Even the jobs I've applied for at school are not looking promising. AKHJDFBCKAHBSG. Frustrating.

On the bright side, I've been visited by two dear friends from school within a week of each other! I love having people visit. Makes me happy.

Another downer, though, would be that this summer is the summer almost every person I care deeply for decided to leave me hangin' in the dust; jobless. My sister is staying around the school area working, two of my best friends are participating in "Summer Project" for Campus Crusade this summer, another of my friends is working at a summer camp and I honestly just feel bored. I can feel it in the pit of my being. Most of all, I wish my sister were here. IT IS RIDICULOUS. My first summer EVER without her. And it's proven to be quite the uncool kind.

I've been playing Star Wars video games, watching crime shows, cleaning the house over and over again, and eating food. That's pretty much it. I went to a couple graduation parties this weekend for friends of mine who have just graduated high school. That was cool, I suppose, but really nothing SUPER has happened.

Also a plus, is that I've home-recorded four new songs that I've written by myself. So that was productive, I suppose. Haha.

And one of my friends is going to come over on Thursday so we can record using his better equipment. Haha. I keep trying to make new cover videos for youtube, but I don't have a keyboard and I feel the upright just drowns out my voice. Also, even IF I had a guitar, I am not capable of playing it well enough to accompany myself. So that's also a bit of a doozy.

And I feel I cannot write new music because I can't do it when people are around. And since I don't have my keyboard, I must use the real piano. And where is the real piano? RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HOUSE. Literally, in the place where, acoustically, it can reach every room of the house. This wouldn't really be a problem if I were ever home by myself. But I'm not because I have a spunky little sister who keeps me company throughout the day. Haha.

So now that I've wallowed in self-pity and expressed how I feel about this summer so far, I think I'll go take my dog for a walk. Depending on how warm it is outside. Hahaha.

peace.

-4:53pm

When everything seems like it's falling apart.

Well...it's literally been months since I've blogged. And I apologize to anyone reading this and my future self reading this. Haha. Now I probably won't remember anything that happened between my last post and this one. Alls I know now is that it is one of my roommates' birthdays today! WOO!

It was fun. We went and bought pizza, then drove u

p into this canyon nearby and had a picnic. The catch was, we had to dress up as an animal! (My suggestion. Just sayin'. Haha.)

Here are a picture from the evening. It was very enjoyable. :)

Left to right we have a birthday-girl swan, a belated-birthday-girl cat, a peacock, a butterfly, a dalmatian, a flower (yes, we are aware that is not an animal), and a girzerbra (giraffe-zebra hybrid). Photographers behind the camera = cow and raccoon.

Hahaha. I was a raccoon, but I definitely looked more like a cat. I pasted SO MUCH eyeliner on my eyes, it was ridiculous.

Finals are coming up this week, and I'm not really looking forward to it. I had a speech to do last Monday and it went....alright. It was supposed to be a 9-12 minute long persuasive speech and I chose my topic to be persuading people to grow their own produce. I had not practiced it at all and I had to deliver my speech, so I just had to wing it. I read it over a few times in my mind and I had every idea that it was going to be about six minutes long. So I decided to speak veeeeeery slowly. And I did. And I added random logical, yet made-up facts. Hahaha. I went up to my professor afterwards and asked him how I did, thinking I would be under time. HE TOLD ME IT WAS FIFTEEN MINUTES. THAT IS SO LONG. O_O

Hahahahahahahahahaha. Woops. And that was my final speech. OH WELL! ha.

Anyway, back to the emotions of the title. Last night, I was studying for a final with two of my very best friends at this university. And one of them tells me they need to tell me something. Which ended up being that there's an 85% chance they are not coming back next year. I DID NOT SEE IT COMING. Normally, finances are the thing that keep people away from school, but really, they just have an opportunity to do other things that they see as a better opportunity. Apparently, it was really hard for them to tell me. We're pretty close.

On top of all of that, two of my other really good friends didn't come back this semester, and two of my friends will be abroad next semester. And then one of my other really good friends might be studying abroad second semester next year. I just feel like I've got all these really deeply founded friendships and they're great. And now they could quite possibly be dwindling away. :(

AND, my best friend is going to be out of state for the entire summer except for two weeks before I leave. AND my sister isn't coming home this summer. And a lot of my friends are not coming home this summer in general. I'm just....feeling a heaviness. And I kind of want to cry, but at the same time, I just feel like it's so silly to cry about! It's not like I'm never going to speak to them again! I suppose it's just because I think one of my main love languages is hanging out with people. Just spending time and investing in other people's lives. And I can't do that when they're gone.

On a better note, I'm going to be a new student orientation leader next year! I AM SO PUMPED. I met with my group tonight (the group of all-orientation leaders leaders...haha. YEAH, REDUNDANCY!) It should be pretty rad.

I have a pretty bad headache right now...and finals are this week. And I have a vocal jury at 11:20am tomorrow. And I really really don't want to say goodbye to my friends here. I just...can't handle it right now. BLARGH.

I can't stop sighing, either. It's that heaviness. I think I need to pour out my emotions in song. Maybe I'll try that. Yeah. I think I will.

Alright, goodnight.

peace.

-11:08pm

"How am I supposed to tell you how I feel?...

...I need oxygen."

-Colbie Caillat

Wellll...all I will say is this: it's hard to do homework when it's bright and shining outside and it's steaming hot in your room. Also, this semester will prove to be quite a difficult task...

My work load is already more than last semester and it's only been one measly week.

HOWEVA, it is a beautiful three-day weekend! Thank you Martin Luther King, Jr....not just for the three-day weekend. :)

My future roommates and I decided to go to the

beach yesterday. It was LOVELY! My roommate brought the guitar and we jammed on the beach. What a great time...I also went exploring in the tide pools with another friend of mine. WHAT FUN! We commentated the underwater land as if we were watching dramas. Haha. It was funnay. But as I was being so cool and adventurous, I slipped

on a rock and got a little cut my foot. How sad. (It was really quite anti-climactic. It sounds really cool, but...just trust me. If you had been there, you'd understand that it was really not anything of a big deal at all. Hahaha.) Then my friend stepped on something pokey and hurt her foot as well! Jeepers.

And here I sit in my room by myself, uncomfortably warm, avoiding my homework. I'm one fourth of the way there! The way I see it, if I do it t

oday, I'll get to do everything--

well, my friend just called me and invited me and my roommate and my friend (the one who also hurt her foot) to the beach tonight! Hahaha. Though I'll have to ask him about more details, I think we're going to do it. There's no reason NOT to! (The way I see it.)

--...anyhow, as I was saying, I'll get to do everything that I want to do today tomorrow! But now I am going to make a very contradictory statement and say that I'll just do my homework tomorrow. Especially if I end up going to the beach tonight. Bwahahaha. ORRRR, I could just stay up really late tonight finishing my homewor

k, sleep in tomorrow and STILL do nothing tomorrow! WOO! That sounds ideal. Yee.

Alright, well here's a memory from the beach yesterday:

Alright, headed to the beach again! Hahaha. WOOOOO!

peace.

-5:20pm

"Rain down...

...all around the world, we're singin'."

-Delirious

Well, today was the first day of classes! And the second day back to school for me. It is absoFRUITly splendid to be here. I love everyone

and all my friends and I missed them all terribly! AGH. I've met so many new people, too. We got two new girls on our hall. And on my guys' hall they got SIX new hallmates! And there were only thirteen placed in the entire dorm...so they got the majority of them, per capita, anyway.

My class schedule...it'll be interesting this semester. I tried to switch into the class on M/W/F at 10:40am, and I emailed the teacher (the one who asked me to send a headshot--weird!) again before break ended just to verify that we were still on the same page about me being added to the class at the start of the semester. He emailed me back a few days later (the day before I arrived to school) and told me that he's not teaching t

hat class anymore, but to contact the other professor. And I didn't get that email until Sunday. Yesterday. The day before class starts. :|

So I emailed the other professor and he didn't respond, so I decided to crash the class and just show up and talk to the professor myself in person. I went with my friend who I knew had the class, and the professor seemed not to have an issue with me joining the class. So that was good! Except, it was slightly stressful for me because I LIKE HAVING EVERYTHING PLANNED OUT! Ha.

I have five classes on Mondays...again. Haha. And I had a growing headache throughout the day. I'm guessing it's from shock of lack of sleep... -_-

And I got back to my room at about 8:45, and decided to

get all my books figured out. I just now finished. I have sent my rampage for the quest for the cheapest textbooks down the internet's throat. And my headache is not getting any better. So I found the prices of the same books on different websites and then calculated the total price if I could get the cheapest one of each book, and then if I could get the second to cheapest price, etc. all the way to the WORST situation for the total amount that I would have to pay. Haha. There was a difference of $191 between the cheapest and most expensive textbook options. O_o

Alright...I'm heading to bed, I think.

But another thing...I don't know if I should go to the class that I'm planning to drop tomorrow morning or not. It's at 8:05am. That's why I need to drop it! HA. So...I'm pretty sure I'm going to switch out of the class, but I'm a little hesitant to drop

it just in case something goes wrong in the adding process. Ahhhh. I'll figure it out. I don't think I'm going to go. Haha. Okay, I'm really going to bed now. Or at least going to get ready for bed. Ha...

here's just a little math humor...because, oddly enough. I sort of miss math....:

peace.

-11:10pm

"Sometimes all it takes...

...is a walk around the lake."

-Lost in the Trees

Wellll...it's just about time for me to start packing up to head back to school! YES. AND no. Haha. I just hate packing...it's the worst part of going/leaving somewhere. And I seem to always wait until the very last minute before I actually put things in the luggage. Ha.

It's cloudy and rainy outside...though it's not actually rainING, it's rainY. Haha. And Lost in the Trees is the perfect music to listen to at times like this. It's so soothing and beautiful.

I'm going to be driving back to school in the car with my father. It shall be interesting. I'm going to start gathering all the small little items that I'm

going to bring back to school so that when the time comes, I can just pack up all my clothes and be done with it all.

My older sister is going to NYC with her best friend in about a week. I'm quite happy for her...and maybe a little bit jealous. Haha. She's never been before, and I LOVE that friggin' city. It's so....much. That's the only word I can think of to describe the overall feeling of it.

I am currently stopped in watching episode six of Star Wars (The Return of the Jedi). But, my little sister is going to the library...because she likes to read or something like that. HAha.

I'm going to go get lost in the trees to this Lost in the Trees music. It is so strikingly beautiful...I think, anyway.

here's a photo:

WHO ARE YOU?! WHERE ARE YOU?! Hahahaha. These are the questions that haunt me at night.... :P

peace.

-2:03pm

"And I think to myself...

...what a wonderful world."

-Louis Armstrong

HIYA! Another year has passed. Can you believe that it's already 2011?! Oh my. This is just crazy. Well...home has been a really great time, but quite honestly I've been ready to go back to school for about a week now. Haha.

I've hit the point where there's really nothing else for me to do here, so I watch movies. And more movies. And more movies. Haha. It's kind of true, though. Sad, but true. Last weekend, I watched Toy Story 3 on Friday night, Star Wars: Phantom Menace on Saturday night, Star Wars: Attack of the Clones AND Revenge of the Sith on Sunday night, Remember Me on Monday morning, and I can't remember if I watched any movies on Tuesday & Wednesday...but today I watched The Jungle Book AND Star Wars: A New Hope. Yep...clearly my time is very valuable at this point. Hahaha.

I don't really have anything else to say. Except I'll probably watch episode five tomorrow. Yuuuup. I'm quite excited to get back to school! WOOT.

peace.

-9:32pm