"Now it seems...

...I'm just another quarter in your offering."
-Allen Stone

Sheesh. Well, I'm working on a project right now. It's late. It's chilly outside. I made pumpkin cookies. All of these things are conducive to me having thoughts. 
I recently attended a concert (another AMAZING show - seriously!), and found that people like to think that they discovered the artist first. As if it is somehow their artist because they've listened longer, or what have you. I believe this is common knowledge, there always seems to be a 'my horse is bigger than yours' mentality behind the discovery of new music. And I have most certainly fallen into that trap myself. But it's striking me right now. At 1:25 in the morning. On a Sunday night. While it's chilly outside, my windows are open, my knee socks are warming, and autumn delight sits in my belly.
I'm not sure why it is, there must be some sort of branch of evil built into our conscience that tells us that we're the best. We deserve more than someone else, we worked harder than someone else, we are cooler than someone else, etc. This poisonous mentality really gets us nowhere. So what if we are better? Should we not seek humility? The only thing I see as an outcome of being the best, is being recognized as the best. And what is that? Nothing but empty praise from mankind? I think humans will always praise what we can see as superior to ourselves. But why? What do we accomplish in that?
I do it, too. It's my natural reaction. When something is amazing, I respond with awe. 
Actually, I think I know part of the reason. Just track with me, here for a minute. We were created to worship. Worship the King, all glorious above; our shield, defender, ancient of days, Abba, Savior, Creator. We were made in his image, imago dei. So if we achieve our full potential (which is, debatably possible or impossible), are we not becoming more like Christ?
Take musicianship, for example. As Christ-followers, the supposed examples to the world, should we not be the best? For the glory and advancement of our Lord and his Kingdom? There's a lackadaisical mentality that sets in on us Christians. We understand that God used a stinkin' DONKEY in Scriptures, so he can use anything we offer him for his glory. That's the trap into which the enemy wants us to fall. It's kind of a double-edged sword. Yes, we have faith and believe that God can use whatever we give him - which is very true. What we shouldn't believe is that just because he will use it, doesn't mean we shouldn't develop ourselves to our absolute best. If Satan can get us to offer half of ourselves knowing that God will take care of the rest, that is weakness. We are not operating under the commission and obedience to be diligent. It is still good, because of God. But it is not our best.
But now we have to confront the Scripture that says in our weakness, God's strength is made perfect. Yes. I agree. In my most broken days of dragging my feet and hanging my head, my Jesus carries me through (crazy random side note: I literally just tabbed over to facebook and a friend of mine posted her status, "In our weakness, He is made strong." - how appropriate! Haha). But that is in our weakness. I don't believe that weakness and lack of strength are the same thing...maybe I should use other words. I don't think that weakness and a weak performance are one in the same.
My weakness may be that (hypothetically) I was born without a left big toe. That is not on me. That is just the way things are. But in all the challenges and hardships and loss of balance that I encounter, God teaches me so much about His character of faithfulness and strength. In my weakness, God is made strong. I grow to learn more about him and his greatness, he is glorified through my weakness.
Now, let's contrast weakness to a weak performance. Maybe I am a musician, I have a performance tonight, and I still haven't looked at the music (entirely due to lack of motivation). I know that with the God-given talents I have, I should be able to get by just enough so that nobody will really notice. And so I default into "trust God" mode and pray that He will be my strength in my time of 'weakness'. But should I not be the best I can be to honor him? The talents he has placed in me are the exact opposite of weakness. They are my strengths, bestowed upon me through Him in order to bring him praise and honor. So calling my lack of diligence a weakness is just a cop-out. I should be burning to perfect my skills and glorify the Lord with those.
Am I making sense? I think I'm losing myself...I'm just kind of rambling. I dare say I should finish my project now (don't want to be lackadaisical! Haaaa). It's late. I work at 8am tomorrow morning. Eep!
I hope when I come back and read this sometime, it'll all make sense. Hahaha. Good night!


peace.

-1:52am

"It's a dream that wakes you up...

...there's nothing like sleeping alone so much."

-Good Old War

Wowee! Well, this is a new set up/format for blogging. I don't quite know how I feel about it. Haha. I suppose it shall just take some adjusting...

Anyhow, I came to share.

I just got back from a 2-week choir tour on Monday night and I've just been boppin' around at my sister's apartment, welcoming friends to take me wherever they go and looking for jobs/internships. Suuuuper exciting. Ha.

I got an internship in Santa Monica with a really cool company, but I need a car for the internship, which I do not have, so that didn't pan out. Awesome.

I've called a few venues and emailed out a few resumes in hopes of figuring out what my life will look like this summer...eep!

Mostly, I wanted to share something I learned over choir tour. To give a background, in the beginning of the tour I was not enjoying myself. I have the tendency to be the one that people forget about...it just happens that way. I had two main friend groups, but they were all closer with each other than I was with any of them, so I was kind of teetering between them, trying to find my place. On the bus, in small groups, at the dinner table, on free days, I just didn't know where to go. 

One of the busses did not have the anti-septic smell stuff or whatever it is put in the bathroom, so by day two it smelled of an arid mixed urine stench. That being said, everyone tried to cram on the other two busses. Of course, no one saved me a seat. So I had to trudge along over to the "smelly bus" by my lonesome (not really, there were about fifteen other unhappy campers on that bus as well). On top of that, it was the day of an EIGHT hour bus ride. OF COURSE. So here I was, sitting on the bus by myself, just incredibly uncomfortable. I was frustrated and irritated. The thing is, my top strength (according to the Gallop strengthsfinder test) is "Includer" so when things like this happen, it is just foreign to me because in my mind, I would try my absolute best to never forget about anyone. 

Anyhow, I was sitting there, pouting. But I got in some decent sleep time, watched "A Beautiful Mind" for the first time and LOVED IT and got to play some Catchphrase in the back. Overall, it was a positive experience.

After I got over myself and decided to quit thinking selfishly (Why isn't this happening for me? Why is this happening TO me? etc.) I enjoyed myself times four million. It is so much better to not be concerned with your standing and just enjoy where you are in the moment. I knew all of this, but I was really good at ignoring it. Ha.

Now fast-forward to the end of tour when we're driving to our final destination. I was sitting on the bus by myself (voluntarily this time) and I was looking around at all the people with whom I had spent the last two weeks. I was thinking about how I had learned so much about what it means to be a part of something. Then I had this thought: 

Man. You really can't be a part of something until you serve it. I was being so selfish thinking about my experiences and how I could get the most out of any given situation. But honestly, all I needed to do was serve. Until you know how a mechanism works, you can't serve a purpose. The group I was in, required a certain understanding before I could just join on in. I could contribute my voice to the choir and cheers to the orchestra, but I was not truly a part of something bigger than myself until I had taken part in serving others and the needs of the group as a whole. Kind of like a recipe. You can put whatever you want into a bowl and hope for the best, but until you read a recipe and understand the role of each component to the success of the food, you'll probably come up with nothing that satisfies (to the culinarily inclined: you are exempt from this illustration). Or a clock; you can throw cogs and gizmos into a clock and pray that it accurately tells you the time at any given moment, but until you actually understand how each cog interacts and coexists with the others, and then proceed to use that understanding to put it together for a greater purpose, then it's useless.

I don't really know if I'm making any sense, here. I understand myself (go figure). But I just really wanted to attempt to put my thoughts into an outlet that might be deemed useful by someone someday; maybe even myself. 

Anyhow, that's that.

Here's a picture of some of the wonderful cogs I got to mesh with while on tour:

Enjoy life and don't stop looking for the best in every situation. Remind yourself: I'm not better than anyone to think that I deserve more than the least of these.

peace.

-3:19pm

"If only I had an enemy bigger than my apathy...

...I could have won."

-Mumford & Sons

Have I already used this one? If so, woops. I guess it's just that good.

Anyhow, this is how I feel about one of my 10-pagers right about now. I am trying so hard to focus in on it. I've started it, which is good! But I feel right now that it will quite literally be the death of me. BLARGH. Maybe I should go to bed now, try to wake up early and work on it? But we all know that our intellect and philosophical mindset heightens as the night falls. Will I be able to form cohesive and functional sentences come morning? Will I be ALIVE come morning? Will the MORNING come!?

SO MANY QUESTIONS.

I think it's time for bed...but then...if I surrender to the bed...I must also surrender to the hope of tomorrow...the tomorrow that is not promised.

If I remain awake, I do not negate the fact that tomorrow is not promised. But I do bypass the downfall that if tomorrow does NOT come, then I will have been anticipating this fact, therefore conquering the seemingly unconquerable certain end.

Which would be a good thing to add to my resumé...which would be rendered unusable and non-existent if the morning were not to come. But there would be no notable difference because I would not be able to be aware of this! So then what is really the point of staying awake if I do not pose any substantial gain?

But then am I solely extrinsically motivated? Motivated by what I can gain? It is important to have a certain extent of intrinsic motivation. My roommate talks about this a lot. My roommate motivates herself to remain intrinsically motivated.

I, on the other hand, am generally content with being extrinsically motivated. Especially when it comes to academia. Is this okay? Why am I okay with this?

THESE ARE MY THOUGHTS COME 2AM.

Alright. I think I've decided to take another stab into my paper.

Also, I've noticed that I have completed another digestive cycle and now my stomach groans to be fed. I shall resist. Because of the extrinsic motivation that consuming calories at this hour will have a negative effect on my metabolism/appearance/health/lifestyle.

peace.

-1:59am

"I know it's hard to say, throw it all away...

...but the odds are, we'll be better off."

-Mutemath

Hi there. Guess what! I'm on spring break! WOOOO! That means no classes but copious amounts of work to do anyhow. Ha.

I've been extremely stressed out and busy and yes lately.

Last weekend, five of my friends and I trekked back to my home. We left on Friday, drove quite a few hours, stayed the night at my house. Then the next day we went into the city where the show would be later that night. I encountered an interesting man. Here is my story.

We are in a Goodwill store in an interesting area. This man (in his mid-late twenties, I'd say) walks in. Our group is sort of beginning to gather towards the front of the store whilst still perusing around...I keep thinking this man is looking at me. And then I think he keeps walking right by our group. I'm watching what he's doing....he appears to be giving himself a pep-talk. Not really sure what's going on...so I turn to my friend and say, "Max, I feel like this guys keeps looking at me...it's kinda creepin' me out, I think I'm ready to go." Of course, said friend is not fully paying attention so he kind of just brushes it off.

I walk over to another male friend of mine to see what he's up to...he says, "Hey, have you seen this guy?"

I respond, "Yeah, I feel like he keeps looking at me. It's kind freakin' me out, I'm ready to go."

Friend: "It looks like he's having some trouble swallowing. I wonder if he's okay..."

Me: "I don't know. But I'm kinda freaked out...." (by this time Max is also standing with us)

THEN, the man walks STRAIGHT up to me. Looks me square in the eyes and says, "Have you ever felt gravitationally drawn to another human being?"

I WAS IN SHOCK. THE MAN. HE CAME UP TO ME. AND HE SPOKE. SUCH INTENSE WORDS. WHAT IS HAPPENING.

However, all of these were internal thoughts and I remained calm, cool and collected.

My response: "Uhh...no..."

Man: "Really!?"

Me: "Yeah, sorry..."

Man: "You've never felt that way before?"

Me: "No..." (Max just walks away leaving me with other friend and stranger man)

Man: "You've gotta be LYIN' to me!"

Me: "No, sorry...."

Man: "Hm. Well, I'm Jeff." [reaches out hand for a handshake]

Me: [by this point, if my friend had a bosom, I would have been in it I was so close to him. Ha!] "I'm Summer."

Man: "Summer, it's nice to meet you."

Me: "Nice to meet you, too."

Man: "So you've really never felt that way before?!"

Me: "Yeah...sorry." IS HE REALLY STILL ON ABOUT THIS!? Ha.

Me: "Well, it was nice to meet you, have a nice day."

Man: [as I'm walking away] "Ya know, Summer, I'm havin' a gr--I'm havin' a GREAT day. And I will have a GREAT day!"

I find my friend Max and say, "Okay, can we please go?"

Max: "Yeah, let's go."

So we waltz out of there as fast as possible even though everyone else is still inside. I think my other friend was just chatting with Jeff for a time, there.

Max: "Dude, you CALLED it!!" And there I was, extremely flustered and semi-shaken up. Just really in shock that something like that actually happened in real life (my life is a MOVIE, I tell you!!). I asked him why he just left us standing there earlier and he said he was hoping I would just follow him. Ha!

Then everyone else came out and asked about what had happened. We proceeded to walk along and go into random stores...we saw Jeff at least three or four times. He waved and nodded.

I WAS SO UNCOMFORTABLE. At one point, we had walked past a store and he came out and was walking right behind us. I sped up and linked arms with Max and said, "The guy...he's right behind us, can we go into a store please?"

Max: "Yeah, let's go."

Moral of the story: STRENGTH IN NUMBERS. And it's good if you're of the female gender to have male friends who care about your well-being. I don't know what I would have done without them. :)

Anyhow, we went to the show later that night, then didn't get back to my house until around 2am. Then we left that morning, got back an hour before I had to leave to go to ANOTHER concert with my sister! It was AMAZING. SO GOOD. So good that I just don't really even know what exactly I want to do with my life. Ha.

But anyway, this has been a successful time of avoiding one of two ten-page papers I must write this break. YIPPEE. -_-

peace.

-12:29pm

"My gift is my song...

...and this one's for you."

-Elton John

And you can tell everybody that this is your song. Well, since this blog doesn't serve any real purpose other than me describing in detail random events that happen, and does not contribute to the edification of your well-being, I suppose I shall explore the option of maybe one day attempting to conjure up some thought-provoking, closureless (no, that's not a real word) philosophical ideas. But that is for another day, anyway.

Yesterday, I had a midterm, and today I had a midterm. My midterm in my psychology class yesterday went pretty well, I think. I studied just before class and I felt like I knew a decent amount of the answers. :)

Then I had a midterm in my Baroque, Early Romantic and Classical Music Literature class today. Went to the study session last night. And studied for at least a couple hours today. I reaped the benefits of disengaging from course subject matter and engaging in copious amounts of medium level online sudoku puzzles. Yes.

I mean, I pay some attention to what is being discussed in class, I take notes, I listen every so often. But I just can't learn well from the teaching style, here. There's no order to what is put on the board, and many tangents are discussed that are related to the subject, but not actually important to know when it comes down to it.

I studied for hours with classmates and felt like I knew a whole lot more than I had before (which was no daunting task). I went into the midterm and looked at the page. IT WAS ONE PAGE. ONLY ONE PAGE!

The first portion - listening. Based on what we had learned about countless composers from the Baroque era, we had to decide who might have composed the piece our professor would play through the speakers and offer two reasons why our decision to name that composer is feasible.

I think I probably picked up a few points, there. Ha.

Then it was short answer, definitions and long answer. I just don't know. I studied, I did! But I think I focused on some of the wrong stuff. That's okay, though. It's over now. And I can rest at ease as far as midterms for this week.

But now I have two major papers coming up for my two LEAST favorite classes. Seriously!? UGH.

And I'm enjoying a relaxing night...trying to figure out if I can jump ahead on some homework so I don't have to stress out over the weekend. Alright, enjoy life! :)

peace.

-11:03pm

"Never knew I could feel like this...

...like I've never seen the sky before."

-Ewan McGregor (Moulin Rouge)

I think I might have just fallen...flat on my face in love. I mean, infatuation. I love this man.

I have just stumbled upon him on youtube. And I canNOT help squealing, squeezing my pillow and just wanting to be in this man's presence. I LOVE HIM. FROM A FAR DISTANCE. I am just beyond baffled. UGH. BE MY FRIEND, MICHAEL SHULTE. PLEASE.

Click here and watch any of his covers. His voice. SMOOTH like butter. If I could literally melt into a pool of my own tears and emotion, I would. And then I would proceed to cry more.

Here is another chance to NOT miss something I really appreciate.

All this while I'm watching "The Voice" and swooning over dear Adam. Alright, that's all.

peace.

-8:54pm

"Quit callin' me...

...I'm no longer hung up on you."

-Allen Stone

I created this post to simply say this: I am not fond of the times when people act like they are smarter than me (even if they are, there is a certain way to go about it).

peace.

-9:47am

"To see if you've changed...

...I'm the same; that's what's wrong."

-Good Old War

There are just some things about some people that will change. And other things that will never change. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worst (worse?).

Sorry to be so negative lately, but something that really bothers me, is when people complain that "people never change", but then turn around in a second and then go on whining that "people change". You just can't make general statements like that! Not every single person can fit into one category like that....no matter how much you want it to work. It won't.

Also, sometimes people develop extremely aggravating habits, but they're still the same person. Still the same soul.

That is all I can remember to talk about.

Currently talking to my BFF on the phone. She is the best. :)

-5:35pm

"Darkness is a harsh term, don't you think?...

...and yet, it dominates the things I see."

-Mumford & Sons

Well, first of all, can I just talk briefly about how much I am captivated by this band? There is such a purity of candid thought in all the lyrics. They are real. They address real issues of spirituality and life in a way that I believe can relate to everyone. And I love it because it is just so authentic. It's not just the good thoughts or the happy realizations, but it also expresses deep struggles of wonderment and inner turmoil; paired with inexplicably profound melodies and supporting music that is just impeccably matched with the lyrics. I can't ever get over it. I don't know if I will. I could listen to them alllll day long for weeks, maybe even MONTHS! AH.

Anyway, now I'll actually talk about what I had planned to rant about.

I'm slightly irritated. I get it. You think you're cute, or maybe you have a low self-esteem and need this to feel better about yourself. But PLEASE, for the LOVE of anything, stop posting pictures of yourself with little captions like "No make-up!" or "Just woke up" or "My life be like..." or "Friday nights be crazy.." (the last one is a picture of you making a cute face and sitting on a couch; nice touch, the clear dichotomy, there). EVERYONE KNOWS you take those pictures for the sole purpose of posting them on facebook, tumblr, instagram, or what have you. So....I BEG OF YOU. PLEASE STOP. I'M SICK OF SEEING YOUR FACE ON MY COMPUTER SCREEN (notice how I did not simply end the sentence with "seeing your face", but "seeing your face on my computer screen"). You're pretty cool. I like you most of the time. But can we just respect ourselves a little more and not feel the need to post pictures of ourselves every five minutes? I know what you look like. I don't need to see the many faces of you throughout your day. Just....especially when you take a picture of YOURSELF. It's just...so frustrating. I KNOW YOU DID IT ON PURPOSE.

If someone takes a cute picture of you, that's one thing. But...I just feel like it's so awkward to post a picture of yourself that has clearly been taken on your own time. Like you set aside specific time to take pictures of yourself. So you can post them on the internet. And people will say nice things about you. I just don't get it.

And maybe it's different when you're a photographer and you use a really nice camera or something, maybe not. But they're the worst when they're photobooth/webcam photos that are just.....AGH. I CAN'T HANDLE IT ANYMORE.

I know you're a cool person. I don't need to see your pictures. Have I made myself clear? I'm pretty sure I'm being redundant now....but so long as I've drilled my point into the vastness that is the internet, then I think I'll settle down now.

My apologies if you feel you've wasted time reading this. But honestly, I do not expect anyone to ever read this...I just need a place to freely go on about anything I wish without people giving me strange looks (in person, anyway).

Here's to the weekend!

Also....WOW. MY INTERNET STOPPED WORKING...I am livid. Saving this on my computer as a Word document and posting laytuh.

peace.

-9:35pm

"Hallelujah...

...it's raining men, amen!"

-Weather Girls

Well, here I am again. Not back to post about my weekend visiting the BFF. But on much more serious matters. I am procrastinating. Yaaaaay. :|

Anyhow, I chose this lyric because I have a couple thoughts on the matter. Who thought it was a good idea to say this!? I mean, honestly, I would be horrified if men started falling from the sky. Plus, what good would an umbrella be?

So many things to go into this being taken seriously. But I heard it said once, that the right to be heard does not automatically come with the right to be taken seriously. Hahahahaha. I thought that was funny. And very applicable to my life.

I applied to be an RA for the next academic year. Woot. We'll see how that goes. My interview is this coming Saturday at 8am! Meaning I have to be there at 7:45....meaning I have to leave at 7:25ish...meaning I have to wake up at the ungodly hour of 6:25am.

Is it wrong to use the phrase "ungodly" as a regular, average adjective? Hm.

I need new pants. All of mine have distasteful holes in them. I suppose they are just well-loved. And old. And FALLING APART.

Also, I need to be paid. And I need a job. And I will be paid. And I have prospects for a job, so that's good. We'll see.

I don't really know why I'm rambling on and on, but there it goes....I'm tired. I'll do my homework tomorrow. Great. Glad that's settled, then.

peace.

-1:03am

"I find a fatal flaw...

...in the logic of love."

-The Shins

Wellll, it's been a great weekend. I semi-spontaneously took a trip up about four hours to go visit my best friend at her university! It was absolutely wonderful. I left yesterday afternoon around 4:30pm, traffic was horrific and I got a little carsick, but I arrived safely around 9pm (it usually takes about three hours).

So I met her roommates, then we she decided that we take part in one of our most FAVORITE pastimes--stargazing! She knows of a place up on a hill, through a sketchy little gravel road, about three quarters of a mile out from where she lives. So she, one of her roommates, a male friend and myself all headed out to find this ideal place.

We made it! She and her roommate were freaking out about possibly being in a horror film. I remained sane.

Winds were projected to be up to forty miles per hour that night, so once we reached the top of the hill, not only was it late (11:30ish?) but it was also FREEZING. The wind was so strong, we could lean forward and be fully supported by the strength in the wind. CRAY CRAY.

So we stayed and hung out there for a while, watching the stars, telling stories, catching a few beautiful shooting stars, etc. Then we saw a laser pointer coming from atop another hill. People freaked out as they saw fit. Haha.

After we had been satisfied and chilled to our hearts' content, we made the trek back to the apartment. And apparently, there's a 24-hour donut company that's a hoppin', hip place to be in this town, so I was taken there.

It was great. I don't like donuts until I crave one, and BOY was I craving one!! 98 cents was my total for a chocolate old fashioned donut (per recommendation from man behind counter). I realize I often do that. When I don't have a strong preference, I generally ask the person serving me what their favorite item is and decide to go with that one. Haha.

So my donut was great! We sat at a little peninsula in the back corner where they had games. I revived my childhood passion for the game Mancala, and we also played Speed. Our male friend also charmed us with several great card/magic tricks!

As we were leaving (circa 2:45am), two men our age approached us. One carrying a box of donut holes, the other just an apparent wingman.

Men: "Anyone want a donut hole?"

Others: "Sure."

Me: "Are they very good? I've never had one..."

Man #1 (not holding the box): "You've never had one? Aw, yeah, you have to try one! They're pretty good."

Me: "Really? Okay, sure...I'll try one."

Man #1 (to Man#2): "Alright, she wants one!"

Next, I can't remember how this progressed, but it came down to this...

Man #2: "I'll tell you what...[looks in wallet] I'll give you a dollar for every one over fi--for every donut over four you can fit in your mouth."

Here are my thoughts in this moment...I LOVE a challenge. Especially one that is just for fun! So the money is completely superfluous, but appreciated.

Me: "Sure!"

Man #1 sits down on a nearby stool to get a good view. Man #2 holds the box open for me in front of my face. The rest of my company looks on, not very surprised by my actions.

I started with one...smushed it in against my cheek and my lower teeth. As I progressed and Man #2 seemed slightly uneasy at the ease at which I was dominating comments, "Well, I only have like five dollars, so..."

I stuffed seven donuts in my mouth. I made $3. And two random strangers very happily amused. And three of my friends just happy.

It's the little things in life that are just the best. My life is better than any scripted movie. Literally. God is so good to me. And I am so thankful.

Maybe I'll post about the activities of today, tomorrow. Until next time.

peace.

-10:41pm

"Ancestors, hear my plea...

...help me not to make a fool of me."

-Mulan

HAHA. Well, I don't really believe in the whole idea of ancestors helping you out, but I sure do believe that God can! And I am so thankful for that. :)

Anyway, I'm watching Mulan right now...for a very special reason....

I'M GOING TO DISNEYLAND TOMORROW! AHH!

I really cannot contain my excitement. The last time I was there, the new Star Tours hadn't opened up yet, and the old one was closed, so I have been deprived for quite some time. :p

But anyhow, my family is on its way to my little humble abode. WOOT. I whipped up some pancake batter earlier so we can have some Mickey Mouse pancakes tomorrow morning before we head out!

Apparently, we're trying to leave at 7:15am. WHUT. Because Disneyland opens at 8:00am! We're always the type to get as much bang for our buck as possible, so I will also presume we will be staying until it closes (but who would want to leave any sooner than that, anyway?!).

AND WE GET TO SEE WORLD OF COLOR. Ohhhh my dear goodness, I am getting so pumped right now!

So I decided to stop watching "The O.C." because it just sends the wrong kind of message. Sure, it has some really great characters (SETH COHEN) and funny/humorous situations, but I think it exemplifies too much of a sex-driven lifestyle. And I really don't think it's healthy to be feeding one's mind with all that. Because that is certainly not what my life is about (not even remotely close). SO, I will no longer watch this show with the intention of watching the show and becoming emotionally invested in it. This was a decision made upon completion of the first season. Haha!

And then I watched the movie "The Holiday". I really like that movie. :)

But as I've been watching all these shows and movies, I realized that if that is indeed "real life", then I live nothing NEAR a normal life. I used to see romantic movies and shows and all that stuff and wonder why those things didn't happen to me or anyone I know. And then I realized that it's because I'm not entirely driven by my emotional investments. I am so thankful.

Now, I'm not saying I am any better than anyone else on this planet, because I DEFINITELY have my overwhelmingly share of shortcomings. But in spite of that, I have come to the realization that life is not about what "they" all tell us it is about. And I'm sure almost everyone has heard this idea, or something close to it, but, for Pete's sake, this is my blog and I'll write whatever I darn want to write!

All this to say, I think I'm excited for this Christmas break. And this Christmas. Although, I still have yet to purchase a gift for either of my parents...haha. Ahhhh, oh well.

So here I am, laying on a couch, watching Mulan, and waiting for family to arrive. I am so content with where I am in life, yet so frustrated with the staleness of it at the same time. AGH.

God is good and I have hope in Him.

peace.

-10:28pm

"California, here we come...

...right back where we started from."

-Phantom Planet

While I've been in my apartment alone, I have had a few revelations.

1. Drinking milk from the carton: a true sign of adulthood.

2. It's one thing to do everything alone while people are still around, and a whole NEW ballgame when you are entirely on your own.

I have watched probably close to five episodes of season one of "The O.C."! HAHA. Woot! And I love Seth Cohen. He is seriously SO funny. Everything he does...

My roommates had said that I am the female version of Seth Cohen, and I had caught glimpses of his splendor, but I really appreciate him. He makes me laugh so much...and I think it might be because I would probably do the same thing in most of his situations.

Ryan just said something profound, "I can't change where I've been; but I can change where I'm going."

There you have it, ladies and gents.

Welp, I'm quite tired after spending the evening with my sister, her roommate, and a friend of mine eating food and watching "The Help". SO GOOD.

Another inspirational quote for you, "You is kind, you is smart; you is important." AMEN to THAT, sistah! That will be a nice reminder for myself every once in a while. Of course, everyone needs to hear uplifting words.

Words of affirmation; so appreciated! Haha. I honestly don't even know what I'm saying right now. My mind is in so many places. I'm rambling. I'm thinking. I'm falling asleep. I'm watching The O.C. and falling in love with Seth Cohen. I'm laughing. I'm.......stopping. HA.

Alrighty, until next time.

peace.

-1:02am

My Heart Cries Out

"Create in me a clean heart, a clean heart
For I have turned my face from You
Teach us of Your ways oh God, oh God
For we have turned away from You
Lord have mercy

We will run to you, we will run to you
Turning from our sin we return to You
Father heal your world, make all things new
Make all things new

Your love and mercy build and shape us
Break us and recreate us now
Lord have mercy

Oh, bring us back to you"

-Gungor

peace.

-5:27pm

"All seem to say...

...throw cares away."

-Mykola Dmytrovich Leontovych/Peter J. Wilhousky

Guess what! I'm finally going to pick up my blog again. Or so I plan...haha.

I have stumbled upon many thoughts lately. Thoughts that I have always had, but always felt unqualified to really expand upon. But now I feel as though I am qualified to say and think anything that I want, because I feel well-informed. It is a fear-like feeling of mine to begin to talk about something without fully understanding the purpose or general idea of the thing; for risk of appearing foolish or unknowledgeable. Haha!

Anyhow, I had this (unoriginal) thought.

"To be alone is a dangerous thing."

Why, you may ask? And even if you don't ask, I will respond as if you had...

Well, if you think about it. Being alone gives you no concrete version of reality. Everything you see, feel, think, and the like, could really just be your mind being a trickster. And you would never know....*insert Twilight Zone music*

My apologies that I have just been in a seemingly philosophical state of mind more recently. But I'm not 100% apologetic. But here's the thing:

My Introduction to Philosophy class this semester was probably one of my favorite classes that I have taken at the university level, so far. And it's given me the tools and semi-confidence to actually share my thoughts with others in a more casual setting.

For our final, our professor gives us all of the prompts to the possible essay/short answer questions that could possibly be the ones assigned (in this case, there were two sets of five questions), with which to study in advance. On the day of the exam, it is up to "chance" which one will actually be assigned.

This "chance" is left up to the roll of a die. Based on student nomination, each number on the die 1-6 is delegated to represent one of the options. As I have always had this thought, I never actually voiced it because I didn't see it necessary. But this time was different. Because, though I did study for the exam, I felt more comfortable with one of the topics (Moreland's "A Contemporary Defense of Dualism") versus the other topic (Peter van Inwagen's "The Magnitude, Duration and, Distribution of Evil: A Theodicy").

So I turned to my study buddy, who was inconveniently sitting in the seat I had claimed as my own for the entire semester (really?! On the day of the final exam? Ha!), before the delegation of numbers and explained to him...

"You know, there's really no way for a die to be completely chance. By the very nature of being a physical object, confined to the laws of physics, we have to agree that the more mass an object has, the more gravitational pull it contains."

"Sure."

"So then, wouldn't you have to agree that since the dots on the die are carved out of the side, that the side with only one dot carved out would be more likely to land on the bottom, since it has the most gravitational pull? Thus giving the number six a higher chance of being rolled. Four, five and six are more likely to be rolled than one, two, or three. Just by the laws of physics! So we should really assign number six to Moreland!"

"That's why snake eyes are so rare to roll in dice games!" I added impromptu.

He agreed.

Of course, I am the type of person who has an opinion in class, but never has strong enough preferences to step on the toes of those who do or might have strong preferences, so I did not speak up in assigning the numbers...

And number six was assigned to PVI.

However, I just brushed it off, because, how accurate can I actually be?! It was a silly notion suggested by one sleep-deprived student.

And then it happened. With one roll of the die, my fate had been decided (yes, I am making this MUCH more dramatic than need be). After rolling into a student's bag, and probably some other hiccups in the supposedly simple process, the number six was rolled.

YUP. KNEW IT. CALLED IT. DON'T WANT IT.

Hahaha.

Of course it would be my luck that the one time I dare share my opposition to other minds, my theory is working against/for me. So I carried on with my exam, and I'm not sure how clearly I articulated myself. We'll see, I suppose.

ALL THAT TO SAY, I think if my professor REALLY intends on utilizing "chance", then he should just use a cube with six different colors on each side of the die. Because then the mass is equal on each side. Not that it actually made a difference. But I have the right to argue that it did, because it was not in my favor! Haha.

That was my last final of the fall semester of 2011. MIND BLOWING!

It has been such a joy ride. Well, just a ride in general. But it definitely incorporated a lot of joy. :)

There is SO MUCH I could say...but I am SO tired. And I KEEP ON using ALL CAPS. Oh, yawh. I so kewl.

I am off to bed! I may share some more of my thoughts later. But...it is time for me to sleep without any other self-induced reservations.

peace.

-2:07am

"When friends are gone...

...I know my Savior's love is real."

-The Source ft. Candi Staton, in the style of Florence + The Machine

Welp...my summer is quickly and rapidly approaching its end. And to be honest, I am quite surprised. I've been pretty busy these past couple weeks counseling at church camps and being worn out by a bunch on kids. At the youth camp at my church, I had eight middle school girls for four days. Alllll to myself. What an interesting and growing experience! Haha. Now I'm a counselor at kid's camp and I have fourteen seven-year-old boys. WHOA. Hahahaha. It's also an experience! I should really be sleeping right now because I have to wake up sometime around 6:15am. But here I sit not able to sleep. I think I may take a shower.

Anyway, here are some thoughts on my summer. I thought that since a TON of my best friends were going to be gone this summer, that God would really just do something super impressive in my life. I figured He must have something really flipping awesome up His sleeve. So I figured I would apply to forty million jobs until I got one. And I never did. I got ONE interview, though...it looked really promising until they asked me when I would be leaving to go back to school. It even said, "Hire her!" on my application. BUMMER, MAN.

Also, I wasn't scheduled to be on the worship team this summer. Which is something that I am very passionate about...it is the medium by which I most connect with my Lord. However, I did get called in maybe three times as a back-up/replacement team member. Point being, I thought for sure God was going to do something CRAZY in my life for me...I was just thinking about it going into the summer and thinking that it was obvious that God had big plans for me.

With two and a half weeks left, I've finally come to the conclusion that this summer was not about me at all. I was so busy looking for what God was doing for me, that I completely missed the point. It's not about what God is going to do for me, but what I can do for God. I know this seems like an obvious answer, a simple solution, overkill, even. But for some reason, this idea was difficult for me to grasp. Now I see that all the time I spent just laying around, watching television, etc. could have been better spent on showing the love of God to other people who may not have experienced it yet.

I was so caught up in thinking and searching for what God was doing for me that I lost sight of what I was doing for Him. Yes, I went to church several times per week, but each time I just went looking to enrich my life. Recently, there was a sermon on humility. I found it to be applicable to my life in the slightest way, but now I see the bigger picture. I was consumed with the idea that God was going to show me something BIG; something NEW, that I was blinded to the fact that I am a servant of the Most High King. Often I would pray prayers, "God, reveal yourself to me. Work in my life." When I should have been crying out for others, "Jesus, work through me to speak to others! Show them Your unconditional love!" I HAVE His love. I know of His grace. I can speak of His good and perfect ways. So why was I so focused on myself?

It was actually about three weeks ago God showed me this passage in the Bible.

Ephesians 3:14-21

"¹⁴ For this reason I kneel before the Father, ¹⁵ from whom every family^[a] in heaven and on earth derives its name. ¹⁶ I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, ¹⁷ so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, ¹⁸ may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, ¹⁹ and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

²⁰ Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, ²¹ to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."

And I started to pray that out...it just really became a burden that God placed on my heart. And just the other night I prayed that God would show me something that He wanted me to know. Something that He wanted to teach me....I came across this passage:

Colossians 1:9-14

" ⁹ For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you. We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives,^{[a] 10} so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God,¹¹ being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, ¹² and giving joyful thanks to the Father, who has qualified you^[b] to share in the inheritance of his holy people in the kingdom of light. ¹³ For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, ¹⁴ in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins."

And this is my new mission. Not that I can focus on myself and what God is doing for me in order to gain access to Him. But that through what Jesus Christ has done for all of us on the cross, I have all access to the King and what I do to serve Him in response to His perfect love will only grow me closer to my Savior. He is always good and He loves each and every one of us. I am only disappointed that it took me so long to figure this out. Goodnight.

-1:14am

"I'll wear that dress...

...if you wear the tie."

-Charlene Kaye feat. Darren Criss

Well, I've been home for the summer since about May 19th. This is good and bad. Good because I finally got to have time to myself to relax and do nothing. Bad because I am in desperate need of a job and no one seems to want me to work for them. HA. :(

I'm a hard worker, I promise! Even the jobs I've applied for at school are not looking promising. AKHJDFBCKAHBSG. Frustrating.

On the bright side, I've been visited by two dear friends from school within a week of each other! I love having people visit. Makes me happy.

Another downer, though, would be that this summer is the summer almost every person I care deeply for decided to leave me hangin' in the dust; jobless. My sister is staying around the school area working, two of my best friends are participating in "Summer Project" for Campus Crusade this summer, another of my friends is working at a summer camp and I honestly just feel bored. I can feel it in the pit of my being. Most of all, I wish my sister were here. IT IS RIDICULOUS. My first summer EVER without her. And it's proven to be quite the uncool kind.

I've been playing Star Wars video games, watching crime shows, cleaning the house over and over again, and eating food. That's pretty much it. I went to a couple graduation parties this weekend for friends of mine who have just graduated high school. That was cool, I suppose, but really nothing SUPER has happened.

Also a plus, is that I've home-recorded four new songs that I've written by myself. So that was productive, I suppose. Haha.

And one of my friends is going to come over on Thursday so we can record using his better equipment. Haha. I keep trying to make new cover videos for youtube, but I don't have a keyboard and I feel the upright just drowns out my voice. Also, even IF I had a guitar, I am not capable of playing it well enough to accompany myself. So that's also a bit of a doozy.

And I feel I cannot write new music because I can't do it when people are around. And since I don't have my keyboard, I must use the real piano. And where is the real piano? RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HOUSE. Literally, in the place where, acoustically, it can reach every room of the house. This wouldn't really be a problem if I were ever home by myself. But I'm not because I have a spunky little sister who keeps me company throughout the day. Haha.

So now that I've wallowed in self-pity and expressed how I feel about this summer so far, I think I'll go take my dog for a walk. Depending on how warm it is outside. Hahaha.

peace.

-4:53pm

When everything seems like it's falling apart.

Well...it's literally been months since I've blogged. And I apologize to anyone reading this and my future self reading this. Haha. Now I probably won't remember anything that happened between my last post and this one. Alls I know now is that it is one of my roommates' birthdays today! WOO!

It was fun. We went and bought pizza, then drove u

p into this canyon nearby and had a picnic. The catch was, we had to dress up as an animal! (My suggestion. Just sayin'. Haha.)

Here are a picture from the evening. It was very enjoyable. :)

Left to right we have a birthday-girl swan, a belated-birthday-girl cat, a peacock, a butterfly, a dalmatian, a flower (yes, we are aware that is not an animal), and a girzerbra (giraffe-zebra hybrid). Photographers behind the camera = cow and raccoon.

Hahaha. I was a raccoon, but I definitely looked more like a cat. I pasted SO MUCH eyeliner on my eyes, it was ridiculous.

Finals are coming up this week, and I'm not really looking forward to it. I had a speech to do last Monday and it went....alright. It was supposed to be a 9-12 minute long persuasive speech and I chose my topic to be persuading people to grow their own produce. I had not practiced it at all and I had to deliver my speech, so I just had to wing it. I read it over a few times in my mind and I had every idea that it was going to be about six minutes long. So I decided to speak veeeeeery slowly. And I did. And I added random logical, yet made-up facts. Hahaha. I went up to my professor afterwards and asked him how I did, thinking I would be under time. HE TOLD ME IT WAS FIFTEEN MINUTES. THAT IS SO LONG. O_O

Hahahahahahahahahaha. Woops. And that was my final speech. OH WELL! ha.

Anyway, back to the emotions of the title. Last night, I was studying for a final with two of my very best friends at this university. And one of them tells me they need to tell me something. Which ended up being that there's an 85% chance they are not coming back next year. I DID NOT SEE IT COMING. Normally, finances are the thing that keep people away from school, but really, they just have an opportunity to do other things that they see as a better opportunity. Apparently, it was really hard for them to tell me. We're pretty close.

On top of all of that, two of my other really good friends didn't come back this semester, and two of my friends will be abroad next semester. And then one of my other really good friends might be studying abroad second semester next year. I just feel like I've got all these really deeply founded friendships and they're great. And now they could quite possibly be dwindling away. :(

AND, my best friend is going to be out of state for the entire summer except for two weeks before I leave. AND my sister isn't coming home this summer. And a lot of my friends are not coming home this summer in general. I'm just....feeling a heaviness. And I kind of want to cry, but at the same time, I just feel like it's so silly to cry about! It's not like I'm never going to speak to them again! I suppose it's just because I think one of my main love languages is hanging out with people. Just spending time and investing in other people's lives. And I can't do that when they're gone.

On a better note, I'm going to be a new student orientation leader next year! I AM SO PUMPED. I met with my group tonight (the group of all-orientation leaders leaders...haha. YEAH, REDUNDANCY!) It should be pretty rad.

I have a pretty bad headache right now...and finals are this week. And I have a vocal jury at 11:20am tomorrow. And I really really don't want to say goodbye to my friends here. I just...can't handle it right now. BLARGH.

I can't stop sighing, either. It's that heaviness. I think I need to pour out my emotions in song. Maybe I'll try that. Yeah. I think I will.

Alright, goodnight.

peace.

-11:08pm

"How am I supposed to tell you how I feel?...

...I need oxygen."

-Colbie Caillat

Wellll...all I will say is this: it's hard to do homework when it's bright and shining outside and it's steaming hot in your room. Also, this semester will prove to be quite a difficult task...

My work load is already more than last semester and it's only been one measly week.

HOWEVA, it is a beautiful three-day weekend! Thank you Martin Luther King, Jr....not just for the three-day weekend. :)

My future roommates and I decided to go to the

beach yesterday. It was LOVELY! My roommate brought the guitar and we jammed on the beach. What a great time...I also went exploring in the tide pools with another friend of mine. WHAT FUN! We commentated the underwater land as if we were watching dramas. Haha. It was funnay. But as I was being so cool and adventurous, I slipped

on a rock and got a little cut my foot. How sad. (It was really quite anti-climactic. It sounds really cool, but...just trust me. If you had been there, you'd understand that it was really not anything of a big deal at all. Hahaha.) Then my friend stepped on something pokey and hurt her foot as well! Jeepers.

And here I sit in my room by myself, uncomfortably warm, avoiding my homework. I'm one fourth of the way there! The way I see it, if I do it t

oday, I'll get to do everything--

well, my friend just called me and invited me and my roommate and my friend (the one who also hurt her foot) to the beach tonight! Hahaha. Though I'll have to ask him about more details, I think we're going to do it. There's no reason NOT to! (The way I see it.)

--...anyhow, as I was saying, I'll get to do everything that I want to do today tomorrow! But now I am going to make a very contradictory statement and say that I'll just do my homework tomorrow. Especially if I end up going to the beach tonight. Bwahahaha. ORRRR, I could just stay up really late tonight finishing my homewor

k, sleep in tomorrow and STILL do nothing tomorrow! WOO! That sounds ideal. Yee.

Alright, well here's a memory from the beach yesterday:

Alright, headed to the beach again! Hahaha. WOOOOO!

peace.

-5:20pm

"Rain down...

...all around the world, we're singin'."

-Delirious

Well, today was the first day of classes! And the second day back to school for me. It is absoFRUITly splendid to be here. I love everyone

and all my friends and I missed them all terribly! AGH. I've met so many new people, too. We got two new girls on our hall. And on my guys' hall they got SIX new hallmates! And there were only thirteen placed in the entire dorm...so they got the majority of them, per capita, anyway.

My class schedule...it'll be interesting this semester. I tried to switch into the class on M/W/F at 10:40am, and I emailed the teacher (the one who asked me to send a headshot--weird!) again before break ended just to verify that we were still on the same page about me being added to the class at the start of the semester. He emailed me back a few days later (the day before I arrived to school) and told me that he's not teaching t

hat class anymore, but to contact the other professor. And I didn't get that email until Sunday. Yesterday. The day before class starts. :|

So I emailed the other professor and he didn't respond, so I decided to crash the class and just show up and talk to the professor myself in person. I went with my friend who I knew had the class, and the professor seemed not to have an issue with me joining the class. So that was good! Except, it was slightly stressful for me because I LIKE HAVING EVERYTHING PLANNED OUT! Ha.

I have five classes on Mondays...again. Haha. And I had a growing headache throughout the day. I'm guessing it's from shock of lack of sleep... -_-

And I got back to my room at about 8:45, and decided to

get all my books figured out. I just now finished. I have sent my rampage for the quest for the cheapest textbooks down the internet's throat. And my headache is not getting any better. So I found the prices of the same books on different websites and then calculated the total price if I could get the cheapest one of each book, and then if I could get the second to cheapest price, etc. all the way to the WORST situation for the total amount that I would have to pay. Haha. There was a difference of $191 between the cheapest and most expensive textbook options. O_o

Alright...I'm heading to bed, I think.

But another thing...I don't know if I should go to the class that I'm planning to drop tomorrow morning or not. It's at 8:05am. That's why I need to drop it! HA. So...I'm pretty sure I'm going to switch out of the class, but I'm a little hesitant to drop

it just in case something goes wrong in the adding process. Ahhhh. I'll figure it out. I don't think I'm going to go. Haha. Okay, I'm really going to bed now. Or at least going to get ready for bed. Ha...

here's just a little math humor...because, oddly enough. I sort of miss math....:

peace.

-11:10pm